My blog should have been titled, 100 years 60 pounds.

It has been two years since my last post!  Life has been busy!  My last post, we were in the process of building our home.  The decision to move was a difficult one, yet a tremendous blessing to us as a family. We moved three times to get where we are now in the matter of six months.  It was a trying time, yet so rewarding!

I wanted to give everyone a little update on what has been happening in those two years.  We moved into our new home, and are happy.  I have four kids, that is all that we were able to have, considering my body makeup (if you want to know more about it, I am happy to share) those four were miracles that I shouldn't have had.   I have been teaching preschool for the last six years in my home and truly loved it.  My husband is a principal at an elementary school.  My oldest will be starting her senior year of high school, and she is our basketball player!  The next is my dancer who is starting her sophomore year of high school and she is always full of joy.  My only boy is going to be in third grade in the Fall and is lucky enough to have his father as his principal.  My youngest is going to start her last year of preschool with me as her teacher.  Sometimes I look at her and still wonder how she got here!  She still surprises me!  I am a mother, and those four along with my husband have my heart.

Now what about my weight loss, you ask?  Well last year I lost 30 pounds!  I was looking great, feeling awesome, and moving forward to kick off the last few, then pain hit.  Pain that I have never before experienced!  After a surgery last year to help stave off the pain, I am finally needing to go in to have a hysterectomy next week.  Because of the pain, horrible endometriosis, and other lovely female issues that I won't share, it became increasingly more difficult to accomplish even the every day tasks.  There have been days where just getting out of bed was a good as I could do.  I have a new sympathy and compassion for those who deal with debilitating pain on a daily basis.  It not only is hard on your body, but also your mind, and soul.  Because of feeling this way, of course the weight came back on.

As I have read through my posts over the last few years, and thought about how it seems like a continuous cycle of doing well and then failing, my first response would be embarrassment and frustration.  I refuse to hold onto that response.  I am learning to be a lot more compassionate with myself.  I may not have yet reached the goal of weight loss that I have desired, but there have been so many life lessons, personal lessons, that I have gained over the years that would not have been learned in any other way.  I truly believe that I haven't failed, because I haven't given up.  My children and spouse have seen changes, and they are also learning for themselves the importance of being healthy.  They are my greatest cheerleaders!

I am coming back here to be let you continue to be a part of the journey.  I am having my surgery, and  recovery is up to six weeks.  There are things I can control even while recovering,  and there are some that I cannot.  So with that I will do my best to do what I can while recovering, and then move forward to working out.

One of the biggest changes there is, and I hope you will notice as I write my journey, is that I no longer fear!  I have learned that fear most often comes where we need to change, and those changes are what we desire most, yet fear the outcome.  Over the years I have been on a journey eradicating fear from my life.  There is still areas that need help, but this is not one of them anymore!  I have seen a glimpse of who I am when I feel healthy, and I love that person!  That is the person I want the world to see.  She is open hearted, kind, energetic, she allows herself to be vulnerable because it empowers others.  She is supportive and hopeful for those she comes in contact with.  She is beautiful from the inside first!  She doesn't hide, or shirk, instead she stands firm and strong, exercising courage.  She knows that through acting in courage and faith she gains confidence to do what she needs to.

Maybe this journey will take me 100 years to accomplish, that's okay.  Life is a beautiful, rich, rewarding experience, and if this weakness keeps me humble and reliant upon the Savior to keep moving forward, then I will keep pressing forward looking towards Him.  He will lead me to the Stephanie He knows and loves.  He will guide my steps, instructing me, leading, and most often forgiving me when I fall short, and lifting me to higher heights that I wasn't even aware I could reach.  He is my strength, and if I trust in Him, I can do all things.  So stay tuned there are many more posts to come!

Conversation with the Devil

This blog may need to change its name to 100 Years 60 pounds, because yes, it is nearly taking me that  long.  I am sure there are many that read this and think,  "Just get it together already."   And my response is,  I know what you mean.

This morning I went running with my husband.  Okay in my mind, and according to my own expectations, that is what I wanted to do.   The reality on the other hand looked more like,  panic attack leg cramps, and walking.  It wasn't pretty, it was frustrating.  My mind had this beautiful vision of running, and my body laughingly showed me otherwise.  So I took to having a conversation with the devil inside.

I know have a written about my lovely wall that I hit.  I think that I may have hung more pictures and got to comfortable at looking at it.  When all of a sudden the wall comes tumbling down.  I see the other side and it is beautiful, bright and hopeful. And I am suddenly struck with fear.   For years I have been waiting in hope looking for someone to rescue me.  Waiting for someone to pull me out, or shine the light on the path.  And for some of that time I was devastated because no one ever answered the call.
Last night I finally realized that I was the one holding myself there on that side of the wall.  I wasn't answering my own call,  I wasn't listening.

So today I finally had a conversation.  It started out with anger, anger that my body wasn't doing what I wanted it to.  Anger that something so simple was so frustratingly difficult.   So as I was walking, my husband patiently letting me battle it out on my own, I forgave myself.   "I forgive you,  it can only get better."   Then the conversation started,  "Yes my body hurts, but you, devil, don't have one, and this pain is beautiful, something you will never understand.   I am finished feeling miserable, sorry, and frustrated.  I am finished with you holding me down.  I am breaking the chains, you lose."

And then the greatest tender mercy came along.  My friend, someone who I look up to.  Someone who I know understands exactly what I am dealing with, walks by.  And of course the tears start coming.  It was as if the Lord needed me to know that what I was doing right there in that moment was right.  And to keep moving.  As we are walking the sidewalk has words printed on it, jog.   It would be a beautiful story to say I did jog.  I kept walking, my shins were numb.   IT CAN ONLY GET BETTER! I still accomplished my goal which was to workout with my husband.

As we finished I realized that I hold the key, I hold the freedom.  And the wondering and asking why needed to stop.  It doesn't matter now.  My efforts were not spectacular.  My efforts nonetheless  were enough.  They were accepted by the Lord.  The devil will never cease to pull us down,  our efforts to him will never be enough.  But with the Lord, whatever we give, it will always be enough.  We were enough all along.  I am enough.

I met my wall!

So if you have been following my blog, or reading up on it, you will see the numerous times I have come to my wall and didn't know what to do.  Looking back over the years I have seen where this wall has come and I meet it and am stuck.   I did not know how to break it down, or what exactly was holding it up.   I knew some of the roots of the issue, but never the source.

Well today I am grateful and humbled to say I met the wall again, I was able to find the source, something that completely shocked me, yet brought all the clarity I needed to move on.  So I spent a few emotional days coming to terms with it and am ready to move forward.   Although I am not ready to openly share everything, I will share a few details.

We all have our problems/trials in life, and this one was definitely one I thought I had faced.  How we choose to face those trials determines how we move forward in the future.  We always have a choice, it doesn't mean the trial will go away, but it can be eased. Be accountable, be humble and willing to listen to  for advice, ask for help, and hold yourself responsible for the choices you made, and will make.  Never be afraid to admit a mistake.  

The hardest thing for me to realize and admit is that I played a role in building my wall.

And the most exciting thing for me to do is play a role in tearing it down!

We have to take part in the bitter, painful, soul racking moments in life, in order to feel the exquisite joy, peace, and hope that comes after.  We have to be humble, and prayerful, in order to see God's hand in our life in that very moment, and all other moments before then.   It is a harrowing experience, yet at the same time a sacred experience.  Becoming acutely aware that  Heavenly Father is an integral part of our lives is a humbling experience.

Talk it out, you need someone who will let you talk, and they just listen.   There are many people out there that want to solve all your problems, but really you are the only one who can do it for yourself.

When advice is given, take time to sort through it, and utilize what you can, and throw the rest away.  Sometimes advice is hard to take because it means we have to admit our own weaknesses.  Remember that those weaknesses will become strengths when we accept and recognize that we have them.

Pray.  If you don't, then start.   I know there is a God, and prayer is our opportunity to commune with Him, plead with Him, and ask for help.  He will answer our prayers, and guide us, if we listen and act in patience.

Serve.  It seems silly that at a time in your life when you feel the need to focus solely on you to serve, but you need to serve.   We are all in this together, and service is the most freeing form of recovery I know.   When we forget our troubles for a moment, and focus on someone else, our troubles seem lighter, we give ourselves time to catch our breaths, and we allow God to work in our lives, while He uses us to work in others.


I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted, I feel the wall coming down.  I see the road ahead,  and I look forward to following it!   I have so much to learn, yet I am so excited to learn it!   I feel so blessed to learn and discover what I have, and to have the opportunity to change, grow, and move forward once more!!

So stay tuned!   I feel like this might actually be the time!!  I have faith I will overcome!  

I need a ROUTINE!

The hardest part about summer in having no set routine.  I am a routine person, I love a routine.  Summer throws me for a loop every time!  I love summer and the break from the routine, but it creates such a challenge for me at the same time.  For instance fitting in exercise, or good eating habits while on vacation, or on the go.   One thing I am grateful for, is recognizing my weakness, seeing what that something needs to change!  I am so grateful for that!  It keeps me on my toes and doesn't allow me to settle for mediocrity, or complacency.   I am glad I am aware.

So now that summer is winding down, I am getting excited to get back to routine, and my routine this year will be a challenge, a challenge worth taking on!  I am going to have to get up about 5:30 to workout.  I decided with my schedule, which I am sure each of you can sympathize because you are just as busy if not more so, it is the only way I will for sure definitely get in my workout each day.

If you have tips on eating, food prep, menu planning, etc. I would love to have them!!  I am needing all the help that I can get!

Time Out

I hope you will forgive me,  I need to write this post.

I have many things going through my mind at this time, some personal, some not.  I hope I can articulate what I feel.

I hope that if you have been reading most of my posts you have learned that this process of weight loss has never been to be  a size two, or something similar, but rather to overcome a weakness, to change bad habits, and to be better than I have been.   Our world today places so much emphasis on image, and to be honest it is at times sickening.   I do not want to leave this mortal life in what the world would deem a perfect body.  Rather I want to leave this world knowing that despite the hardships and weaknesses that this mortal body gives me, I fought to make it better, to protect it,  and lived up to the privilege of having it.  It is a gift not to be abused.   It is an opportunity to learn about its weaknesses and to strengthen them.  It is a chance for my soul to grow, change, and draw nearer to God.

Our time here is limited, this truth becomes clearer the longer I live.  And I do not want to waste my days seeking after the world would want me to be.  They are so very wrong in what they think!  I am not a size two,  I have a belly because of four beautiful children, and because I like desserts!  I am so much more than a number on the scale.   I am beautiful because I was made in the image of my Heavenly Father.   I am capable of achieving anything, if I have the courage, determination, and strength to do it.

Most importantly I am here day after day trying to make it right, to be better, to overcome, because of my Savior Jesus Christ.  I believe in an atonement, I believe that through Him I can one day become perfect.  When I seek after Him,  I seem to find myself in a brilliant and beautiful light.  I see myself as He sees me.  I hope and long to do His will because He knows me better than I know myself.  I am nothing without Him, and everything with Him.   And when I get a glimpse of that beauty,  I realize that what the world says is sad, so misguided and lost.  There is no value in a size.  There is no value in  appearance, or sexuality.  

There is value in virtue, dignity, and integrity.   This is what I am seeking, and in bits and pieces I am finding it.  And when this mortal body of mine reaches its last day,  I hope that I was a pillar of what is virtuous, I hope that I was an example of the Savior,  I hope that my life gives light to dark sad abyss of this world.  

Today is a GOOD DAY!

I am not perfect by any means, but when I am doing my best I feel my best!   As I strive to change, and adjust my habits, I find joy, true joy.  I truly believe that when you align your life to the will of God, and strive to seek out His plan for you, you find joy, lasting joy.

Life is difficult, and even in the midst of terrible things, heartache, sorrow, disappointment, you can still find joy, peace and contentment.  For example,  last year at this time I was pregnant, threatening preterm labor, on bed rest, and overwhelmed with joy and gratitude for the blessings I have been given.   I knew my Heavenly Father was aware of me.  I had meals from neighbors once a week for a month!  My neighbor and great friend is a labor and delivery nurse.  I knew my doctor was a praying man, and trusted in our Heavenly Father.    I knew I would be okay and get through it.  In the midst of the frustration of not being able to do for myself what I wanted to do, and the fear of bringing a child into the world much to early, I found peace and joy.  

It comes from putting your trust in something greater than yourself.  It comes from choosing to do your best despite all the  excuses you can find.  It means to keep making progress even if it is only an inch!

Today I am grateful for this challenge it has taken time, time I am grateful for.  It teaches me how patient God is, and how willing He is to wait upon us when we strive to take the steps necessary to return back to Him.   Today is a Good Day!

Fear

I am always amazed at myself, for how often I allow fear to control my actions.   I always feel my best when I let go and follow through and allow courage to carry me.  I realized that fear holds us back, it stifles us.  Fear brings a frozen bed of ice that slowly creeps in us, slowing us down, and sometimes completely stopping us.   I think there are good fears, such as fear of God, fear of wrong, or dangerous things.   The fear I am talking about is the bad fear.

This fear creates disillusionment, and confusion.  It crumples our fragile self esteem if allowed.  It questions, expects, and disappoints.  

I think often of where I am.   I am at the same place I was four years ago, emotionally.  That wall.  I fear what I am on the other side.  For once though I am asking myself,  why?   The answer is, someone (Satan) wants to hold me back, wants me to avoid becoming and being who I can and should be.  And the fear he uses is a powerful tool.  I have often wondered why someone who is addicted to drugs, and knows they should stop, keeps using.  The reality is fear has controlled them.

It is a powerful tool, yes.  But we can overcome that tool with hope.

When we let go of the fear, it no longer controls our thoughts.  When we step forward into the smallest beam of light it dissipates.  It cannot coexist with hope.   What fears are holding you back?

It is time to step into the light.  It is time to move forward in hope and realize that what you are going towards is beautiful, right, and exactly what you hoped to be!