Hope

I have a weakness, well more than one.  Thankfully, I do not have to become perfect all at once.  This weakness as you can see from my posts, has taken time to overcome.  I reach the same brick walls, I bounce back and forth, I am consistent and I fail.  I am weak, imperfect, and grasping to learn.   This in itself could be reason enough to quit, dive deeper down into the slump, give up, wallow, and try to forget.   Yet there is the beautiful light that flickers, it shines in the distant, calling me to follow it.  It is just ahead, out of my grasp, close enough to see it,  not close enough to yet taste.  It is hope.

Hope is the light in the darkness, hope is the wave that comes crashing on the shore erasing the marks, scars, and disappointments.  Hope is a driving force that draws us out of our slump, and slowly brings us closer to the fruit of our work.

The antithesis of hope is despair.  Dark, lonely, gloomy despair.  If happiness is what we seek, then hope should be our driving force, keeping us away from despair.  Hope by definition is a verb, and action word.


I am writing about hope, as I struggle desperately to hold on to my own.  I have hit my brick wall,  the one I have face many times in my life.  The one that seems to hold me back from becoming who I am destined to become.  I am afraid of it breaking, I am afraid of the person on the other side.  Will I still know her?   Will she still be the person that I love?  What sort of judgements will come from the gallery?

My biggest obstacle in life is this:   How can I give myself permission to take care of me without feeling selfish?

You see,  my life, my happiness and devotion is my family.  I live for them.  An oxymoron, I know,  to say that yet not have a desire to take care of me.  The truth of it is, I have spent  most of my life putting my needs aside to make others happy, in hopes that someone somewhere would in turn do the same for me. I have taught, trained myself to ignore me, and serve others.  I am learning that if you are not willing to do it yourself, no one is going to do it for you.  I have repeatedly told myself that their needs are more important than mine own.

So here I am at a point where the wall needs to start coming down, and I do not know how to start.  How do you teach yourself it is okay?  How do you say, "Stephanie, those needs can wait, yours cannot."  with out feeling selfish, or hurting someone else?


Logically I know what needs to happen, yet emotionally/spiritually there is this battle inside me raging. Fear, mixed with sure knowledge of what needs to happen, surround my thoughts, leaving my frozen.  What can I do to make this different than any other time?  What do I need to do to finally overcome this wall, and not only climb over it, but break it down, destroying it?

I need to hope.  I need to see the glimmering light in the distance and slowly make my steps forward.  I need to trust that as long as I follow the path, everything will fall into place.  I will have the time I need to accomplish it all.  I need to be believing.

So as I strive to grasp onto my hope, I pray that you reader, will grab hold of yours.  Do not give up, do not despair, the future, the road ahead is bright!  Do you see it?  Do you see the beautiful light leading you on?   Grab it, follow it, and do not let go.  If you stumble, get back up.  If you fall and gain a few scratches, get back up and keep moving forward.  You will get there,  the time doesn't matter, only the destination.