Plugging along

So this month has been crazy, spontaneous, and overscheduled all at once. I sit thinking, wondering how in the world I let go? I think that is one of the biggest challenges, creating that time you need. I have ignored it, I have missed creating the time. I am owning my own responsibility in all this.

You get those thoughts that run through your head. You may have heard them, or something like them. They say: "It isn't worth it." "You'll lose the weight and then what if you get pregnant again and gain it all back?" "You are just meant to struggle with this, overcoming comes in the next life." "You just don't have the time, your life is too busy." "You would if you had the support." "You are just too tired, you are doing so much already." "Tomorrow, you can do it." "You just need to feel better."

So what happens when you listen? Nothing, you do nothing. You have justified your behavior. You have given in to that little voice. That voice pulls you away, keeps you from believing in yourself. Places fear where courage once was. And your hope and trust soon weaken. And what is left is a person who is: depressed, lonely, overwhelmed, tired, fearful, and sorrowful.

That sums me up right now. I am back to square one when it comes to my emotions, and my ability to perform. I have noticed the depression creep slowly back in, haunting and taunting me. I have felt loneliness because when I feel bad, I want to be alone, I pull myself away (hence the lag in blogging). I am overwhelmed with what I want to accomplish and am tired of thinking about what I need to do. I am fearful. Afraid that I cannot accomplish what I NEED to. And I am sorrowful. Sad because I have made the choices that put me here in this state, sorrowful I have given into what I am trying to hard to overcome. Sorrowful because I have let you reader down, and myself.

I truly believe that my soul is yearning, screaming for me to MOVE, CREATE SOME ACTION, SOMETHING. And yet I listen to the part that says, I am not worth it. I am meant to be like this, to struggle with this and never overcome. I know that it is not true. Deep down I know I can overcome this. I just need to be open and honest with myself.

So I ask for your suggestions and help. Because I do need support. And if you know me, saying I need help never comes easily. It is not something I ask for, but I rather just struggle through on my own. But this time I need help, advice, support, anything and everything.

How do you create time?

How do you put yourself first?

How do you make yourself feel that you deserve the best?

How do you put yourself first without feeling selfish?

I don't know how to teach myself that. I don't know how to give myself permission to take the time. So tomorrow I will post my plan, and what my goal is. It is important to have goals, and small ones too.