Just thinking... yet again

So I need to figure out the wall I am trying to climb or get through. I have the desire, I have the ability, but I lack the faith of movement. I sit frozen upon the bed wondering what keeps me from my goal. Asking myself why in the world do I continue to fall short when I know I am capable of more. I am frozen, in fear. I am not sure what the fear means, or what is really holding me back. Sometimes I fear getting what I desire, and then question; "Is that what I really want?" My mind plays tricks on me. I find myself justifying and excusing my behavior, avoiding reality. I feel alone. And yet I have made myself feel that way. There are many surrounding me who hope for my success, and yet even that keeps me frozen.

Who am I to inspire someone?

I am just a mother of three. I am just a girl who has struggles, and who has been found many times with her foot in her mouth. I am someone who just wants to succeed but seems stuck. I am someone who has been so often misunderstood, that I now fear what others may think my true motivations are. I am quiet, hidden, and have depths even I haven't explored. I am someone, but is that enough?

Does my struggle let the wind out of your sails? Have I let you down? I've let myself down.

I really, truly, honestly, from the depths of my soul, want to overcome. Yet I fear the outcome. I fear what I am going to be when I overcome. Will I be prideful, ungrateful? Or will I be humble and grateful? There is something I feel I need to face, but I am not sure what it is. There is something there haunting me, whispering to me, yet it is so faint I am not sure I can clearly understand it. I feel it, feel it pressuring me to face it, acknowledge it, own it. But I cannot put a name to it. It is a mirage faintly floating in the distance teasing me, beckoning me. And as I get closer, it pulls away taunting me, knowing full well that when I face it I will find the key to unlock the gate. The hope and faith needed to move forward and overcome, but right now it is unreachable.

Yet I have hope. I have found small moments in others that inspire me, bring me hope. And here is one that I absolutely loved.

This is an amazing person.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHDvxPjsm8E