Tired...

I always hesitate when I start a post.  I do not want to whine and complain about the struggles that come with this seemingly endless process.  I want my struggles to mean something.  I want them to catapult me onto the next rung on my ladder of life.  I do not want them to bring me down, but to motivate.

Today, I am striving to find it, that strength to overcome.   My mood, my motivation is not diminished, but I am growing weary.   So what is my struggle?   I am exhausted all the time.   I am good until about 3 in the afternoon, and then I feel like collapsing.  It is worse than when I was pregnant, and worse than when I had a newborn that woke me up every hour of the night.  

I am TIRED of being TIRED!   I feel sluggish, and it is truly weighing down my motivation to work hard.  I fight against it everyday just to get in my work out. I am pushing myself, and convincing myself. And maybe that is just what I need.  To convince myself to do the right thing even against the most difficult circumstances.  LIGHTBULB!!  Wow!   I think I just found it as I was typing!  I am finding the strength to complete the task, even when I think there is no strength to do it!  I am learning that I want my health more than I want the rest.  I am choosing the better part!

So, I have run blood tests, and gotten my checkups,  I am NORMAL!  There was a part of me that was looking for reasons and excuses for my present weight gain, and other issues.  When everything came back great, I was left to look at myself.  I cannot blame my ovaries, or my thyroid, or anything else they tested for.  I can only blame me.   I think  at times we may all be guilty of this,  we look everywhere else for the reason behind our struggles, hoping that there is another explanation than our own guilt.  It seems easier that way.  Truth will always find you.  Your accountability and responsibility for your choices in life will always affect you one way or another.  So I am learning, as difficult and humbling as it is, that I am responsible.  I can change.  I need to change.  I need to acknowledge my actions and choices.  And I need to change my habits.

So, I may be tired, but part of that is because I am carrying around more weight than I should be.  But I am no longer going to be!  I am shedding it.  I am shedding the layers that I have held onto that I have used to protect me from life, from hurt, from fear.  I am replacing it with strength, courage, and hope.  I am grateful for this opportunity, and for the opportunity we all have to overcome our weaknesses.  I am also grateful to realize how merciful the Lord is.  He has truly blessed me.  His love for me, and trust in me that I can overcome this, is evident every day.  I am free from illness, from disease.  A year ago, I thought I would have to practice saying goodbye to loved ones, I thought that my time here on earth was shortened.  But through the grace of God I have found that each day is a gift.  My life has been prolonged, my dreams are being realized, and my weaknesses will be overcome.

I may be tired, but I know there will come a day, when I will be able to rest from the trials and worries of this world. Until then,  I work, I tire, and I look to the Lord, in trust, to lead me down the path.