Week Six: "Debbie Downer" knows how to throw a party!

So this week I had another birthday. I do not like the spotlight. I feel like it is the one day in the year where all my failures, weaknesses, and embarrassments are part of a spectator course. I am under a microscope. It is definitely my own insecurities, but right now I feel like they are there for the whole world to see. So I started my day grumpy.

Anyway, I broke down at the mall. My wonderful hubby wanted to take me shopping, and I couldn't find anything that fit. It is a difficult thing to realize that the mall no longer caters to your imaginary self, reality is it caters to the skinny and the wealthy. Not a great pick me upper. We left and I started crying as soon as we got to the car.

So my mind process was: "You cannot fake your way through fat. People fake their way through their weaknesses all the time. You can't with fat, it is there for the whole world to see. Another year older, another year of unaccomplished goals..." On and on, I kept this process. Debbie Downer, I was! It was awful, so much, I couldn't even stand my own thinking or attitude!

I finally just took a hold of reality and accepted it. I had to own it, instead of shrink from it. And believe me, that is not easy. I had to walk through another mall and accept that I am no skinny minny, but maybe someday I will be able to shop in those shops.

I hope to find an end. I hope that I am learning, and growing, and not remaining stagnant. Although I know that there is a part of me that has been stagnant. All I can do is, do better what I did today, tomorrow.

This was a good wake up call. This week I learned:

To recognize the negative thought process and stop it.

That I am loved, and need to love myself.

Reality Bites, but it is important to recognize and own your failures as much as your achievements.

I am the only one who controls how I treat myself, and how I want to be treated.

Try, try, and try again.