Week Five: I'm alive, somewhat!

So this week has met every challenge, and I am embarrassed to say that I have failed. I have gained four pounds and I know exactly how, eating. I have been so busy helping my husband finish our basement, going to parades, family reunions, and family activities, thatI have failed in finding, or creating the time I need. I have been running on pure exhaustion, and the fumes are settling in and I have turned off any device in my mind to tell me to watch what I eat.

Tonight, I teared up at my failure. I am a hypocrite.

I know what I need to do, how I need to eat, how to exercise...yet my biggest difficulty is creating the time, putting it as a priority. It sometimes feels like someone is screaming at me: "Do you not see what needs to change? You matter, and you need to take care of you!"

I have lived with a stigma for too long.

The stigma: There is always something more pressing, more important than you. You can wait, your time will come, but THIS needs you now.

I can hear myself saying it. I can give exact moments when I have felt, or thought it. And I have sadly bought into the lie. Why? Fear.

What if I did matter? What if I am just as important?

It means I am accountable, I am capable, I am in need. It means I really have to change.

This life is a process of change, a process of refining, of education, of growth. I can look back and my struggles, my challenges, and see the definite change, my strength, and my character strengthening and magnifying itself. I can look forward and see that the struggles I face now are going to lead me further down that road. But I fear that I cannot pull myself out of this rut. I fear that this struggle will be an re-occurring cycle. I am impatient. I want the easy fix.

I feel foolish writing it.

But it is the truth.

Although like Nephi I can say, "I know in whom I trust."

So tomorrow is another day a gift of mercy, and trust. If I get down on my knees if fervent prayer, and look forward to tomorrow with hope. I know the sun rise will be crisper, the sunlight will shine brighter, the beauty of tomorrow will bring into my heart, the hope of my future.