A lot of praying already.

This morning I woke up, tired, hurting from my workout, and just wanting to fall back to sleep again. I was getting my girls ready for school and my little boy was in tantrum mode. And normally if I know I am going to have one of those days, it is a DIET COKE day. Having one is the only way to get through it. So I had a prayer in my heart. I got in the shower and had another prayer, nearly breaking down, knowing I could not go it alone today. I needed help.

And after the prayer the temptations, the thoughts of desperately needing one left. I know of which power this comes from and it is not my own. I know the Lord is there, is carrying my burden. And through applying my faith and hope in the Savior I am overcoming, ever so slowly.

It is a battle, but one I am willing to wage. This is what I mean by not wanting the outer beauty, but wanting so desperately, needing to change for hopes of being what my Heavenly Father desires of me. I am trying to submit my will to His and it is difficult to do when you are callous with some of your choices. I have been callous with my health choices, not entirely on purpose but not wanting more for myself either.

I think we knew what we were going to have to handle and go through in order to find something better. I think of pregnancy and labor, we go through all of that for a lovely little one. We work hard to achieve. We are constantly pushing ourselves to do better to be better, and there are weaknesses, aspects of our lives that strive to keep us idle, lazy, ignorant of the need to improve. And it is those aspects that are the hardest to fight. The ones we push aside for another day, the ones we need to really hone in on and work on, but scare us the most. They scare because they mask our divinity, mask our potential, and mask us from seeing our true selves. Because if we did, we would immediately shed the dead weight and grab hold of our loveliness.. All I know is that I am fighting, I do falter, but I am NOT GIVING UP, I KEEP GOING, and realize that I am imperfect striving to be something divine, hoping one day to be perfect like my Father in Heaven. Willing to change, and hope for that change. Willing to struggle for something DIVINE. And that is where I will find my BEAUTY.