Have you ever been the worst version of yourself? The kind of person you detest more than anything? Well last week that was me. Without going into details, I made a major mistake. I allowed pride to fool me into thinking I was making a right choice, when in reality it wasn't. You see I lied to someone, yep, me a liar. It disgusts me to even right the letters, but sadly I did. I was doing it to protect someone in hopes of gaining truth for this person. It wasn't a terrible lie, but it was not the truth. The truth is, a lie is always a lie and will always be a lie. Did I get caught, oh yes! By the goodness of God I got caught. Being caught doesn't remedy the problem though. Yet I am grateful that Heavenly Father is merciful enough to allow me to make amends for the choice I made.
I sit here wondering why in the world I am divulging this. But it is in hopes that you can learn from me. Being the best version of yourself takes work, and sometimes when you are comfortable with yourself, with who you are becoming, and the weaknesses you are overcoming, pride slips in, unaware at first, subtly telling you how great you are. Convincing you that you are better than what you really are. Even above some things. You see the devil is the father of lies, and he also uses a version of truth to help create what he wants to happen. Pride is terrible. When you allow it to creep into your thoughts, it allows an opening for making choices you normally wouldn't make. And in turn it can break and shatter the very confidence you were striving to build, your belief system, what you are capable of, and even what you are worthy of.
I know that I made a mistake and I am working to right my wrong. No laws were broken, but hearts and trust were. And knowing that breaks my heart. I do want people to trust me. I guess I am so upset because it is so completely out of character for me. I can assure you, reader, that I will never tell a lie again. The pain of mistakes is horrible to endure, it plucks at your very soul. It tears you down and you really do realize the dust from whence you were created. I have felt small and insignificant. Yet I know the resolution and peace that comes through the Atonement, and that is where I put my faith, trust, and HOPE. Hope to be better than I am today, hope to build trust, hope to prove that I can be what Heavenly Father expects me to be. And hope that someday the loved ones I have wronged will forgive me and trust me again.
So where do I go from here? Well I move forward. I use good judgement. And I take time to think of all the choices I make in a day and try to improve. Someone once told me that the hardest thing in life is to be consistent. I pondered that thought. I wondered how, out of everything we go through, consistency would be the most difficult? I prayed about it and asked Heavenly Father. And an answer came.
If you look back at your life, you will see times where you were consistent and where you faltered. When we falter, we have failed in our consistency. So the answer I received was:
CONSISTENCY CREATES AND CULTIVATES THE HABITS YOU WANT TO KEEP.
Why am I so good at eating horrible? Because I am consistent at it! It really is that simple!
Why did I make a horrible mistake? Because I dropped my consistency of relying upon the Spirit, and relied upon my own thinking. Each time we falter we can see where the consistency failed. So it really is consistency. Choosing the habits we want to have and then consistently working to create and cultivate them.
So as you can see I am imperfect. I am back in many ways to square one. So I am taking it a day at a time and striving to be consistent in my daily choices. I can say that eating has taken a back burner the last few days! I am too sick with grief to think about food. But each day gets better. Reading the scriptures helps more than you will ever know.
Take care, be vigilant, and remain hopeful. The future is bright!!
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