Day 65 and 66

The last few days have been busy, and the next few days will be busy too. I wish I was getting sleep. My baby is sleeping good for the most part, but I cannot seem to shut down my brain. So I lie awake thinking and turning over events in my head, planning, stressing, and it leads to a restless night. Then in turn I wake wishing for more sleep and completely dragging. I just wish I had a bit more time, but I guess it comes with the season and I need to learn to adjust and do the best that I can.

There is a part of me that is dreading the realization that I may not lose the weight I wanted to in the one hundred days. But the more that I think about it, I am realizing that I needed the goal to get me started, to help me keep motivated and push for something. If I do not reach my mark, it is not the end, but really just the beginning, to changing my life. I cannot expect myself to change dramatically within a few days. It takes time, it takes experiences, and processes that can chip away at the weaknesses that I have. Strength isn't built automatically. So I am hopeful.

I think sometimes I am too hard on myself. I have high expectations, but that is because for too long, I didn't have any, or I ignored them all together. I didn't meet my expectations in the past, and now I am striving to and sometimes failing. But maybe the failure is what I need to create the character. What can I learn from it? What will I do different? What do I want to be?

My dream me? Well, I would love to be healthy. I would love to run for awhile and not be weary. I would love to have motivation, strength, and confidence. I want to have the energy to match my will.

Why do I want it?

In all honesty, I believe that there is work for me to do. I am a firm believer in my faith, and I need to match that belief with action. I want to be seen as an example not a hypocrite. I want to be someone that can draw from my own experiences to help others learn what I know, about God, His Son, the Holy Ghost, and the scriptures. I want to be a missionary. But I think I still have some training to do. And I am willing to do this in hopes that someday I can share more of my love of the gospel with others. I think that is one of the reasons I chose to read the Book of Mormon along with this process. Because it is so easy to pertain the words to my own life. I can take the words of the prophets and see how applicable they are to me. I can see my day from their day. And I can see my Savior, and know him and understand how much he loves me. And I need to love and know me, in order to better serve those around me.