Day 54

Tis the FLU SEASON!! Just when I think I am getting better, I start to feel worse. I am not trying to make excuses, but just admitting my weakness. When I feel this yucky, the thought of a workout makes me want to crawl back into bed. I want to eat junk food, and veg, and slowly rot. I want to ignore my true needs and do nothing. I want to hide from reality, and for just a small moment forget what I am working towards, to satisfy the temporal need.

I think I needed to hit this wall.

I needed something to happen that would make me truly decide that I want this change in my life. I get comfortable and think, "Oh a little sweets won't hurt, I have lost weight." or "this is easy, I can do this." But in reality I truly need to want this badly in order for me to visualize what I can become. I need something to continually remind me, that I am not anywhere near where I need to be. I still have 44 pounds to lose, and is that sip of Squirt, or those chocolate covered cinnamon bears going to get me there? I mean really if I eat those, then why do I hold out on the cheeseburger?

This is such an inner battle

How do you convince the self you have neglected for so long, that what you need to do now is for its benefit? How do you change your inner thinking? How do you start to believe that you are worth the sacrifice, the challenge, the change? I don't think I have a low self-esteem. I think my problem is admitting, or giving myself permission to be selfish. I know I am important, I know I need to take care of myself. But how do I do it, without feeling like I am the most selfish person in the world, neglecting my children? Why as a woman, or mother, do I have to feel guilt. I know logically that this will benefit my children and family as well. But emotionally I feel torn.

I hope I learn the answers. That is a major reason why I am reading the Book of Mormon along with this challenge. I know I can find them there.