Days 23 and 24

The last few days have been chaotic. I was setting up my Christmas tree and getting my house cleaned. My mom and sister were kind enough to come down and help for two days. The whole time they were there helping me, I couldn't help thinking how unworthy I felt to have their help, and how could I ever repay them?

For the past few years I have often wondered how I can teach myself to love myself? I worry so often that I am being selfish and infringing upon someone else's right to happiness. I care about myself, but do I truly love myself? I desire to become something greater than I am today. Do i love myself as I should? I wish the steps were laid out in front of me.

For years I have become my own punch line. It is easy to make fun of myself, my follies, mistakes, and weaknesses. I did this to help others feel superior. But in reality I have been hiding in plain sight. I have become great at being invisible, only appearing when needed. I look around me and I am surrounded by so many people who have a deep love and care for me. And I am astonished by it. What have I done to deserve it? How can they love me so much. There have been times when I would blame my husband for my unhappiness, when deep down feeling and knowing that I cannot expect him to teach me to love myself.

I am a hypocrite. I teach my children to love, respect, and honor themselves. And here I stand doing the exact opposite. My husband says you have to love and respect yourself before you can truly love and respect others.

I want to get there, I don't know how but I guess to start, I am eating right and exercising. Take care of the physical health. I am also reading my scriptures, taking care of my spiritual self. Hopefully through that, I will slowly begin the uphill battle into realizing my love for me.