Day 39

Today has been a tough day. I have struggled with wanting to eat everything in sight. I have most likely ate too much today as it is. I have just been dragging today. I know a lot of that comes from a lack of sleep. If you don't think is important to eating healthy, and your health in general. Get a newborn or a baby up to a year, that doesn't sleep at night! Last night I was up about every hour and a half to get him. Now this is not a justification, for my bad eating habits, but it is a reason for my battle. It is so much easier to fight with energy and motivation. And it is so much easier to give in without out the two. I have did do my workout, and that was a struggle. Just trying to decide when to do it. And luckily, a great friend emailed me with some motivation. It was just what I needed to push through it all.

It sometimes feels as if there is a war raging between me and my soul. My soul is pushing the barrier, striving to come forth and prove that I am everything that I want and hope to be. And then there is that natural man in me that just wants to stop, not push, but rest. And I have to talk myself into it. It is a daily battle, some days are better than others, and some days I have to fight tooth and nail. I guess in some ways I lost today. I let the natural me get the best of my soul. There is a part of me that doesn't want to admit that this has to be a permanent change. I mean yes I have given myself 100 days, but should there really be an end?

A friend of mine was right I do need to study up and read more about food and its effects upon me. I mean am I choosing the best or just choosing to eat what will get me by? I don't know. I am feeling a little lost right now. I am sure I will get it one of these days. And I am sure that these days will come and go, but boy would I love to say that I was triumphant and won the battle. It will come. I have to hope. I have to be optimistic. I want this. I need this.