I use to define myself by what I did for others. I wanted people to know me by what they could depend upon me for. This wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but through it I started being what I imagined they wanted me to be. For example, if I was supposed to be dependable, then the word, No, couldn't be in my vocabulary. I used my time for others and somehow I was lost through it all. What I gave was never returned. I felt used, tossed to the side. People came and used and then left me scrambling to pick up the pieces of my life again. Now I want to be clear, I loved serving, and still do. The problem was, I didn't put it into perspective or balance, and there needs to be a balance in all things.
When I became a mother, my life was defined by my children. I wanted people to know that I was successful with what I did, so I dedicated every moment to their betterment. This is again such an important aspect, but somewhere in the mix, I lost me.
Five years ago on Halloween, I suffered my second miscarriage, losing a third child. This was a harrowing experience. Never in my life had I felt so utterly and hopelessly alone. Never had I experienced such loss. This loss was magnified because I never grieved from my previous miscarriage, because I still had one child with me. The experience left me shell-shocked, and fearful to have another child.
Years past and to no avail, there was no child. I went back to school, a prompting that I knew I needed to follow, but not really sure why. I was confused, angry, frustrated, and at the same time my eyes were being opened.
While at school, I learned about me. It wasn't necessarily the degree I needed but I needed to find me and my strengths. I found me, who am I?
I AM:
A mother
Kindness
Love
Service
Respect
Honor
Dignity
Intelligent
Virtuous
Praiseworthy
Sweetness
A Wife
A Friend
Trustworthy
Caring
Charity
I was discovering that I was already becoming me. I just wasn't allowing myself to see. I realized that the things I thought were consuming me and stifling my personality were in fact what I wanted myself to be and I was proud of me. I just was missing the balance.
I was still hurting. During these five years, my weight, hormones, emotions, stress, anxiety and frustration, were giving me the best roller coaster ride of my life. And with the ride came the pounds, continually fluctuating with my emotions.
When I finished my last semester, one class shy (still) from an Associate's degree. I felt it all slowly lifting away. Like an onion peeling back the layers. I was letting go of stress; I was letting of anxiety; I was letting go of fear and replacing it with trust.
I was still hurting. Every time someone announced a pregnancy, I was cringing. I was worn from the grief and I had to do something. And I did. I knelt in prayer, letting go of control and asking the Lord to lead the way and I would follow. It was a week later exactly that I found myself pregnant. And then came our little gift from God, Nathan. That is why he has the name because he is our gift.
So in this learning process of allowing the Lord to direct my paths I am slowly, one step at a time, striving to follow. It is a difficult journey. I mean I am relying on faith. I am stepping onto the bridge trusting that there is a plank below my feet to hold me up. But every step has held me up, and every prayer has been answered and I have witnessed miracles because of exercising my faith.
This is why I am taking the step towards a healthier me, because I am following. It is humbling to admit, but truly where is the pride in being fat and unhealthy? There is none, there is only wishful thinking, and a lot of thoughts of Someday. Well Someday is here and that is why I am choosing to buckle down and do it.
But you know the most difficult part of the process is usually the choice. Once the choice is made, there really is no battle. I mean I choose to exercise, and then I can't talk myself out of it, because I already decided. I wake up each morning and decide to eat good and then I don't have to crave anything. The battle comes when there is still a choice to be made.
The greatest blessing of this process is, I am not alone. Reading the scriptures has brought such a blessing into this process. Each day I am filled with hope, faith, and courage to finish what I started. Each day I am reminded of a loving Savior whose arm is continually extended. He is always there. That knowledge itself is what keeps me going. I can do this because of this knowledge. I am only successful because I have been blessed by Him. I wish the world could feel the peace I feel right now. I wish the world could know what I know. What a blessing the gospel brings into my life. I know that when I follow the principles of the gospel I will be blessed. There is no denying that. If you question it, then put it to action. What have you got to lose? I mean chose a principle, and live by it and see if your life improves or not. I can guarantee that your life will change. And you will notice it.
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