Wandering

A month, I have been wandering for about a month. Allow me to give you some insight as to where I have been. I recently read, ". . . one of the greatest challenges for members of the church is to ensure that our lives are not led by routine." I was in a pretty good routine, losing weight, eating well, getting quite comfortable. And as you have read in the last few posts, challenges have come. Well this last month has been much of the same. My daily schedule increased. I was being pulled in many directions, and at times it seemed like I couldn't even schedule time to breathe. I am sure that you have all felt this way. Something has to give, and unfortunately it becomes our needs. Do you ever pause to wonder why?

As difficult as the last few weeks have been. I cannot deny the power of God in my life, allowing clarity and understanding to my actions. During difficult times like this, I go into survival mode, desperately looking for the escape. If you are picturing a caged animal right about now, you are not too far from the truth! Since I have no escape I turn to food. Food becomes my escape, I eat whatever I want, I turn off the switch in my mind, and eat. Eat until I gain the weight back. I go back to what I know, or had known as my survival guide, because I never invested in a new one.

The clarity came, when I was acknowledging my grumpiness to my husband one evening. I realized that my "survival" foods, were merely mood enhancers. They increased my stress, and anxiety. And at the same time decreased my joy, and my patience. I knew this person, (aka Mrs Hyde) was not who I wanted to be, I knew the person I desired to be. Yet I did not know how to overcome my own will to follow the will of our Heavenly Father. (If you are a facebook friend you will now recognize and understand the reasoning for my recent post!)

My two year old son was having his first major tantrum. And I was telling myself that I needed to remain calm, firm, and in control. That if I could see this through, he would discover the importance of appropriate behavior. Any of you who have had to go through this knows how difficult it is, you feel like a horrible parent, and responsible for the behavior, but you also know that sticking it out, allowing them to control their emotions and learning to apologize and correct the behavior brings about much more happiness. And for you naysayers, yes it is true! During this time came more clarity:

My will is like a stubborn 2 year old. I fight, grumble and strive to rebel. I am convinced that my way is best, throwing my tantrum as proof. Yet, patiently waiting is a loving Heavenly Father, and when I finally realize that my way isn't the best, He guides me, and shows me that His way is so much richer than my imagination. He creates larger billows of hope, and I move forward in anticipation for what will come next along my road of life.

So I am learning, and yes I do wear my weaknesses on my sleeves. I try not to hide them because I am determined to shed them. So I have reevaluated, recommitted and am striving again to accomplish my goal. It isn't over. I fall, I scrape my knees, but I get back up, and try again. My hope is that to you reader that if you take anything from reading my posts it is to strive to be and do your best. When you fall short, you are already on your knees, pray. Have hope, and look to your challenges as an opportunity to learn, recognize the habits you want/need to change, and adjust.

There will come a day when you will look back at your life and smile, realizing that the most difficult mountains you climbed were also the times you felt the hand of God guiding you through.

"When we are governed by routine, we tend to become insensitive

to the need to walk with the companionship of the Holy Ghost."