Day Two

Have you ever been angry at yourself?

Yesterday, my second day, I was working out and I was angry. Angry that I couldn't do the workout to the best of my capabilities. Angry that I had allowed myself to get into the state it was in. Angry because I wanted so badly to give up and stop. I didn't give up though, I pushed through and was grateful to know that I can do it! It kicked my butt, but I did it.

I find myself telling my girls all the time that they don't get the choice to complain about a consequence because they had made the choice. I find myself eating my words. I don't get the right to complain, I put myself here. I cannot feel sorry for myself or the circumstances that lead me here. But I do know this, there is always pain, sorrow, frustration, anger... I think that you need to experience these things in order to taste how sweet the fruit really is.

Just this morning, Julia was talking about how the darkness, "freaks her out." I thought, you need the darkness to enjoy the light. I am not saying that you have to go out and find darkness or make choices that lead you down a miserable path. But I am saying that life has experiences that can create dark moments, lonely moments, and it requires us to push through to see the light. And when we find the light, we find joy, solace, peace, love, acceptance, comfort...

I failed to mention that I weigh 210 pounds. It was an oversight, so I am making up for it now. Some may think that my goal is lofty, others may already set me up for failure. Right now I have nothing to lose. Last night I was watching "The Biggest Loser," and I loved what Jillian told one of the contestants. She said to the effect that you need to write your story, create a new one.

So what is my story? I am not sure yet. I just know that I do not want my past story to define me now. Sure I have experiences that will help me relate to others but I can no longer let them define me. I no longer want to be the woman who was lonely, sorrowful, and living on a continuous roller coaster asking, "Why me?"

I think I want to be the girl who learned what her talents are. The girl who realizes that she isn't alone, but instead is surrounded. The girl who lives by principles that mean more to her in this life than anything else. The girl who can face challenges head on with optimism and hope. I want to succeed and there is a plan for the success.

THE PLAN: Admit I cannot do this on my own. Ask for help. Rely strongly upon a Savior who uniquely understands me and how I feel. Read my scriptures, that is a major part of the key. Take it a day at a time. Remain hopeful and optimistic.