Day Four and Five

I am writing for two days to try and catch up. I have had family in town and so it has occupied some of my time. The last few days have brought on a slew of emotions already. I find myself several times throughout the days reminding myself that I am okay. I find myself getting stressed, anxious, tired, moody, and depressed. I am sure this will continue for awhile as I battle it all out, but I get frustrated because I just want to feel peace. I do need to be honest and say that there is an underlying level of peace, and it comes quietly and resonates slowly. I am not taking the necessary time to stop and focus in on it like I should. It is there, waiting for me though.

Yesterday I woke up sore, and my workout felt so great. I was amazed to see how much I had improved in my strength already. I found the same to be true today also. It was motivating to know that I am improving and feeling a difference.

The past two days have brought on some interesting challenges. Especially with eating. I love food. I love sweets, anything. It was a challenge to stop myself from eating too much. I overcame though. Today there was soda, pizza, eclairs, candy bars, licorice, cinnamon rolls, all at my finger tips and a part of me wanted to completely break down. I grabbed an apple, and yogurt. I ate my portions at lunch and dinner. Why is it that I feel as if I am punishing myself. In reality the way I was eating before was the punishment. It kept me in my cell, where I sat eagerly praying for my release. And now here I am on parole so to speak, testing the waters and my strength and it seems like more of a punishment than a privilege.

Isn't this life a privilege? Shouldn't I be utilizing my time to in helping myself fulfill the desires and dreams that I have, maximizing the time I can spend here on this earth. Isn't it a privilege to enjoy what I have and respect it?

As I sat there gazing longingly at the eclairs, imagining their sweet chocolate frosting and succulent cream, I told myself I am choosing to be better, by doing better. I wasn't going to waste the time I already spent and give up. I made a goal and I intend to keep it.

So tonight as I sit wearily at this computer wanting so badly to break down and cry for no reason that I can comprehend other than exhaustion. I am still hopeful. I am still striving. It can only get better, right?